Give Me an Old-Timey Telephone

Sometimes a photographer hits it lucky, getting that "frozen in time" photo that he/she didn't realize he had until he gets it back from the print shop. Like these:











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A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called. And, that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be deciphered by pissing and moaning.

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My favorite phrase today is grown up. N., and I ate my peas. Def.: You, when you hear your favorite song in an elevator.

We Hit the Road Again

Scamp and I journeyed into Washington State a few days ago to see what evil lurks in the hearts of men.....Wait, no, I mean, to see what birds frolic there. Unhappily, not too many. This was nice, though: a geese family. The white thing at the bottom of the photo is a fence. I don't get around well, and it was either take this picture, or take none. Guess which I chose?

And then there is the crowd favorite, the red-winged blackbird. We have these at home, too, but I sort of liked seeing this one shining in the sun.

Later on I got a couple more pictures of ducks I hadn't seen before. But they stretch my imagination to know what they are. Better luck next time, Hoss.

So, if we don't get birds we get other mammalian life, like turtles. I visit some Florida b**g sites and they occasionally show turtles, as well. But I think theirs are bigger. I believe these dudes are what are known as Box Turtles. I don't think they make boxes.

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A riddle for you:

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michel J. Fox has a little one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on three.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it?

Ho

Ho

Har

de

har

har

The Answer: A last name. Heh.

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My favorite word today is pointless. Adj., that story you're telling is... Def.: Writing with a broken pencil.

Change Me

Hey, lookie here now, lend me your ears eyes, on accounta I got me an Obamar shirt.

Obama was huge in Oregon on Sunday, drawing 72,000 people to Tom McCall Waterfront Park. 'Twas the largest crowd of his campaign: we know how to do things up right.

I couldn't go on accounta my illness, but he knows I was there in spirits and vodka.

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Here's a root-toot-toot response for your answering machine:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

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I sure wish I could spell more better good.


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A man walks injto the street and gets a taxi right away. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "Oh, I don't know. There are always a few clouds hanging over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf like a pro. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. You should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more....He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which utensil to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Frank never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly shined -- he was the perfect man. Never made an error. No one could measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you manage to meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married the bastard's widow."

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My favorite phrase today is disremember me. N., relative of dotage. Def.: The collective name for things for which you find a use immediately after you're thrown them away. For instance, your greenhouse has been cluttered up for years with a huge piece of cardboard and great fronds of gardening string. You at last decide to clear all this stuff out, and burn it. Within 24 hours you will urgently need to wrap a large parcel, and suddenly remember that luckily in your greenhouse there is some cardb...

How to Settle an Argument

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Alabama. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into your field. Now I want to retrieve it." But the old farmer said, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The lawyer, indignant now, said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in rural Alabama. We settle small disagreements with the "Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until somebody gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

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My favorite word today is whacko. N., don't forget the johdpurs. Def.: The final state of mind of a retired colonel just before they come to take him away.

Take Your Own Sweet Time

George Phillips of Meridian, MS, was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from her bedroom widnow. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw there were some people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, and and told them. "Is there any one of them in your house?"

He said "no," and was advised, "All our a patrols are busy, but just lock yuourself in the house and an officer would be shortly along when available.

George said, "Okay," counted to 100 and phloned up the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things out of my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them anymore because I just shot them."

Within three mintues six police cars, a SWAT gteam, a helicopter, two paramedics, and an ambulance showed up at Phillips' residence amd caught the burglers red-handed, who had not been shot, after all.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

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Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:

1. Avpoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop them.

2. Avoid argument with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pain in your veins. Rememember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a few teaspoons of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

6. You will only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the Duct Tape.

DEEP THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Some people are like Slinkies. They're not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

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If you ever get the urge to run around naked, you should drink some Windix first. It'll keep you from streaking.

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My favorite word today is shitamighty. N., I should have stretched all day. Def.: The difference between your outstretched fingers and the automatic ticket machine at the airport, e.i., 2.1 inches.

A Jumbo-Size Bird Story

This story came up in a contest for birders:



Freedom and I have been together 10 years this spring. She came in as a baby with two broken wings. Her bill doesn't open all the way, even after surgery. When Freedom came in she could not stand. She was emaciated and full of lice. We made the decision to give her a chance at life, so I took her to the Vets office. From then on, I was always near. We had her in a huge dog carrier with the top off and she would lay there looking at me with those big brown eyes. We also hand fed her for weeks.

This went on for four-six weeks and by then she still couldn't stand. It got to the point where the decision was made to euthanize her if she couldn't stand in a week. She was going to be put down that Friday, and I was supposed to cdome in on that Thursday afternoon. I didn't go because I couldn't stand the thought her her beging euthanized.

But I went in on Friday and when I walked in everyone was grinning from ear to ear. I immediately went back to her dog cage and there she was, standing on her own, a big beautiful Bald Eagle. She was ready to live. We knew she could never fly, so the director had me train Freedom to walk. I got her used to the glove and jessies.

In the spring of 2000 I was diagnosed with non-Hodkin's lymphoma. I had stage 3 which is not good. I wound up doing eight months of chemo. When I felt well enough I go take Freedom for walks again. Fast forward to fall of 2008 waiting for the last tests. In a few days I had them: all the cancer was gone!

On a side note: I have had people who were very sick come up to us when we were out and Freedom seems to have some kind of hold on them. We once had a guy with terminal cancer come up to us and I let him hold her. His knees just about buckled and he swore he could feel her power coarse through his body. I have so many stories like that.

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There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

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My favorite word today is Superman. N., man with steelies. Def.: The man who stops bullets with his chest but ducks with you throw the revolver at him.

Lemons for You, Bananas for Me

The Stages of a Woman's Life

1. To Grow Up






2. To Fill Out










3. To Slim Down











4. To Hold It In





And



5. To Hell With It

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Aw, shucks, you know I'm just funnin'. How about these instead:
Rejected International Sports Teams Names

1. Brussels Sprouts
2. Cannes Openers
3. Amsterdam Yankees
4. Vienna Sausages
5. Belgium Wafflers
6. Manila Folders
7. Czech Bouncers
8. Buenos Airheads
9. Bolivia DeHavillands
10. Seoul Brothers
11. Taipei Personalities
12. Syria Killers
13. Hungary Jacks
14. Prague Tologists
15. Peking Toms

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"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.

"On one hand, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.

"On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.

"How can this be a contest?"

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My favorite word today is sogwich. N., is this feat to eat? Def.: The dampest thing in the refrigerator pressed between two of the driest things in the refrigerator. This was invented by a man who hated to go to the grocery store.

This Is The Gas

Famous Painting Stolen

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when he ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.

"I had no Monet

"To buy Degas

"To make the Van Gogh!"

(See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.)

Thanks, Vicki!

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A nun is on her way to the park, and she decides to take her sketching pencils. She cannot find her case, so she plops them into a paper bag.

Walking toward the park she sees she is passing by a major building construction project. Unfortuntely (in her view) she can hear the workers talking, and about every other word is a swear word.

She pauses, then decides to teach them something about God. She yells to the men working on the ground level of the building, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?!!"

The men shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and called, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers called back, "No we don't. Why?"

The workers yelled back, "His wife's here with his lunch!"

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My favorite phrase today is multiple personalities. N., ever heard of Bridey Murphy? Def.: If a person with this disease threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation?

Being Old Has Its Benefits

The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, that I would entertain it, and let her know.

Old Age, I have decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not with this body. I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror. But I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly concrete gecko that I didn't need but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon, before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m. and sleep til noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50s, 60s and 70s and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But, there again, some of life is just as well forgotten.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you aget older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, in answer to your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I will eat dessert every single day.

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My favorite phrase today is bums away. Adj., hallelujah I'm a bum, hallelujah bums away.... Def.: In the 1300s, the Tartars gathered up the bodies of people who had died of anthrax poisoning and catapulted them into enemy fortresses.

I've Heard of Blind, But......

This is just a reminder: I am still substituting over at Tisha's Place in case you wanna put in a look-see.

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This moose needs to see his local opthalmologist. Not only is that a buffalo (bison for purists) he is trying to play games with, but it is a BRASS buffalo, located, no doubt, somewhere near Moosejaw.

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Here's how to fix up the airlines, which has got so many woe is me-s.

First all, dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What they hey -- they don't serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of their tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, but saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane -- maybe have them kick back 20% of the tips, including what they get for lap dances and "special services."



Here's a bonus: Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right, a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself.

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There is a very, very tall coconut tree, and there are four animals: King Kong, Ape, Orangutan and a Monkey. They almost pass by, but then they decide to have a competition to see who is the fastest to get a banana from the tree. Whom do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. You have 15 seconds to decide.

Scroll down to see the analysis.









If your answer is:

Orangutan.....you are dull

Ape......Foolish

Monkey.....Idiot

King Kong.....Stupid.

Why???? It's a coconut tree. It doesn't have bananas.

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My favorite phrase today is small feet. N., don't tread on me. Def.: The things women have. It's one of those "evolutionary" things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.